What is Responsibility?

Photo by Laura Balc

For the last few years or so, I have been dealing with and thinking a lot about the concept of ‘Responsibility’. First and foremost, it’s a really tricky word to grammatically spell right. Secondly, it drives life and seems to be at the core of good living.

When it first occurred to me, I was about 35 years old, and I was traveling solo through Portugal. It was at the time I was living through the events of what became my first novel, The Paper Boat (which is now fully edited into a manuscript and I am actively looking for a literary agent to represent it). What occurred to me back then is that I wasn’t really taking much responsibility for my actions because I did not know what it meant…for me. This is the thing about great concepts such as God, Love, Purpose, Responsibility…we must have a real experience of them so we can define them for ourselves.

At the time I was traveling solo, I reached a point when I was not getting any jobs as a freelancer, I wasted all the money my mother had so kindly supported me with, and I had no real direction except to travel, write poetry and see where life leads me. I was sort of drifting, until I decided one day, when I was in Lisbon, that I wanted to search for a place where I felt I could learn something new. I found Ana’s farm, in the North of Portugal. She was living with her daughter Maria, who was 5 at the time, and was freshly separated from the father of Maria. Ana had a really big garden on her hands, with two immense greenhouses and more than ten outside beds. She needed help and I needed to learn hard work. I wasn’t used to hard work. My work until then was about sitting at a desk or on a couch, or laying in bed, and typing, or performing data annotation jobs. Four hours per day in the garden proved to be a glorious challenge, and the tiredness combined with a deep fulfillness of seeing the garden flourish became a great nurturance for me.

At the same time, I began falling in love with kids and they with me. I had a really nice relationship with Maria, with whom we were becoming friends and meanwhile, I met Adam, who had two daughters (3 and 7) from his previous relationship and two older kids (13 and 16) from his marriage. It so happened that all the kids during those months were living with him, with the youngest one staying half of the time with her mother. Suddenly I was dividing my time between a household of four children, and Ana’s farm where I would spend time with Maria. Five kids in my life. It was glorious, but also deep changes were happening inside me. Spending time with the kids woke up in me the mother role that I never got to explore. I was raw, didn’t know anything about kids. How they thought, what are their developmental stages. I had to be reminded constantly that they were just kids, as my tendency at the beginning was to treat them quite often as adults. But as soon as I was getting into their world, I was all in there and I began realizing that I really enjoyed my time with them, even more so…that I love kids.

So here I was, learning completely new things about myself, and even more importantly about what I love: gardening and kids.

Now, I was broke, and without any direction. I have managed until that point to be self-reponsible, to learn how to take care of myself and be responsible for my own well-being. But the kids were something else. When Ana and the man she met and became her partner, Maria and I got into a car accident, only the thought that something could have happened to Maria was overpowering. I realized that something had to change. I could no longer only think about me and my needs. I had to learn to care for others as much as I cared for myself, if not more. Not in a sacrificial way, but in a way that I would not be part of endangering the well-being of any child, or human being for that matter.

About that time, I got a car. A very old car that was basically a disaster on wheels. One day, as I sat in it, and felt totally unsafe for myself, not to mention taking kids with it, I had this moment of profound realization which expressed itself in the words that I said to myself

‘I cannot live like this.’

This realization changed everything. I decided I had to learn to make money so I can afford security. I had to become financially independent and I could only do that by coming back home to Moldova, from where I am writing this post right now.

When I came here, I set a goal. To make 2000 euros per month and re-connect with each of my family members. Mother, father, two brothers, two sisters in law, three nieces and one nephew. In less than I year, I managed to make the 2000 euros per month and in less than two years, I managed to establish a strong connection to each of my family members. This grounded me. I have now financial independence and my relationship with my family is one of mutual respect, support, appreciation and care. It is rare to live such a reality. Well I do and there is not a day that passes by that I don’t feel gratitude and thank God for my life and the people in my life that I love and cherish.

Now, what have I learned about responsibility from all these events? One thing is certain, responsibility is liked to being able to care for oneself, as well as care for others. That involves not only being kind and supportive, but also to have financial independence. As Adam said to me once ‘Living in a tent is nice when it’s by choice.’

These days I have been contemplating a deeper sense of responsibility. What does it mean to take responsibility for our lives? I realize that it is linked with being able to move on and let go. Let go of past happenings, suffering and hurts. Let go of fantasies and wishful thinking that doesn’t lead anywhere. Let go of unnecessary beliefs. I can see that responsibility plays a great role in forgiveness. To move on, to close a chapter, even a book, is to be able to take responsibility for your part, for your actions, for what you did or did not do in a circumstance or relationship. To acknowledge failures and mistakes and to celebrate successes.

Life it seems, is a step by step journey. We got to have a plan, even two or three, but we also got to understand that there is so much to know that we basically don’t know much if anything really. But it always helps to have a good motivation, like I did with the kids I got to fall in love with. They were not mine, I did not birth them or have been with them for long, but I could not allow myself to compromise their safety or not be able to take them out or offer them some of the things they desired. The love I developed for them, and that mother role that awakened in me, was not due to giving birth to a child, but rather from taking responsibility for my role in the lives of those around me. As a human being who is a part of humanity.

One thing is certain: gardening helps! But more about that…maybe…in the next blog post.

Thank you for reading!

If you want to become a patron, or support me via PATREON, here is a link:

patreon.com/CristinaBurduja

For any other donations, or support, you can use direct bank transfer:

 IBAN: PT50 0018 0003 6107 7004 0207 0

NAME: Cristina Burduja

Every kind of support helps motivate me to keep on going!

Via this way, I want to thank Oana Carp for her donation, which boosted my confidence to the roof, made me feel that my work is valued and had a great effect on my life as a writer! Thank you, Oana!